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Death is nature’s way of saying, “Your table is ready”.


‘Cause you’re only given a little spark of madness, and if you lose that, you’re nothing.


Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: “You’ve just killed a small animal. It’s time for a light beer.” Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, “It’s five o’clock in the morning. You’ve just pissed on a dumpster. It’s Miller time.”


And that’s when you realize that God gave you a penis and a brain, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

I wonder what chairs think about all day: “Oh, here comes another asshole.”


When I was growing up they used to say, “Robin, drugs can kill you.” Now that I’m 58 my doctor’s telling me, “Robin, you need drugs to live.” I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer…


I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.


Twitter broke the other day, and a lot of people were going, “My Thumbs! My thumbs are moving for no reason! What’s that?” “A book”. “Who are you?” “Dad. I miss you. Let’s talk.”


Catherine the Great, Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi: These may not be women you’d want to fuck, but you definitely don’t want to fuck with them. And if you don’t think a woman can handle a war, ask the Argentinians.


Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.

People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.


Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus.


Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?


If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.


Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.


Spring is nature’s way of saying, “Let’s party!”


If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?


Reality: What a concept!

Quotes via 1, 2, 3. Images via 1, 2, 3, 4